What are you afraid of?

Fear, I think, is basic to the human condition. If you look at human suffering, injustice, tyranny...isn't it all, in some way, rooted in fear?

I remember life before I was afraid. I remember life before I was afraid of rejection or failure or that fear that deep inside there was just nothing inside of me worth loving. I remember what life was like then and it ROCKED! I remember believing that I was a good girl and worthy of love. I remember not being afraid to voice my needs and desires, confident that I would not be denied, that my needs would be met.

I also remember when I first started to become afraid. I remember starting to wonder if my daddy would always love me, or if I was good enough for that. I remember becoming afraid that I would end up all alone and that I would need to know how to take care of myself...I was five. I remember when I first began to realize that this world was not a very "safe" place and that bad things can happen, even to good little girls.

My mid-life crisis (for lack of a better term) began last May when I recorded a CD for Jes for our anniversary. There is a long story behind that which I will not bore you with here, but that experience startled me into the realization that I had allowed fear to change me, to imprison me in lots of ways in my life.

I had still been relatively "fearless" until I got married and started having children, and that is when all the fears of my mother started to creep into my life (fears about my adequacy as a mother, fears about my adequacy and role as a "wife", yada, yada). Those fears grew deep roots and began spread.

Ultimately, and most interestingly, I think the fear that was most paralyzing to me was the fear that I was a disappointment to God and those around me. Life marches on, things happen, and they usually don't end up the way you think they will...life is, well, disappointing... I began to ask deep inside "Am I disappointing too?"

Specifically for me was the issue of singing in my life. I had known that I was a talented vocalist since about my sophomore year in high school. Over the next 10 years I sang in all the school musicals, toured with Nevada Repertory Company at UNR during College, won several voice scholarships for various schools, sang in church all the time and for at least 100 weddings, etc. Then I got married and instantly became pregnant. Shortly thereafter, God very clearly called me away from singing and to ministry in Young Life. In fact, He thwarted my every effort to do any singing with the choir the worship team...anything. I took note of this, and seeking to please Him, I decided to give up singing, believing that was what God was calling me to do. I did not sing for 6 years (except for the nightly "blessing" or lullaby that I sung to the girls...and leading songs at YoungLife club, which one is hard-pressed to call singing).

By the time that I recorded the CD in May of 2008, nearly everyone I knew either did not know I could sing, or had forgotten. My voice was out WAY out of shape. Even when the idea to make a CD came to me, it was more of a "good-bye" to singing thing...more of a "I really should have some kind of recording of my voice, so that someday, Jes, the girls, someone will remember that I had this unusually extraordinary voice."

Okay...aside...I do have a very nice singing voice. It is not arrogant for me to say so, it is simply true,and it is very important that we learn to recognize what is true about us...and not just the bad things that are true about us...the things that others are quick to pointout and we are quick to condemn ourselves for, but also the good things that are true about us. It is true that my voice is extraordinary. God gave it to me. I had nothing to do with that and can take no credit for it...but I am responsible for what I do with it.

So, I was making an anniversary/goodbye to singing CD. I felt confident that this move was okay with God and did pray A LOT about it, asking God to provide financially for it, provide affordable airfare to Nashville, etc. He did.

I recorded the CD. It was a blast. It was way more fun for me than I had ever imagined it would be...it was way more fun for me to make it than it was for Jes to receive it (at least from my perspective). The problem was that it awoke in me the desire to sing that I had believed God had called me away from. Enter extreme spiritual conflict...enter fear!

I have struggled much in prayer since that time. God has opened my eyes to the many fears that had been eclipsing my awareness of His love for me...many ways that I was hiding from Him and from others who love me because of those fears. He has healed many of the wounds that caused some of those fears, and He has released me to sing again. There is much healing left to be done and there are many fears that I am still learning to face. As I step out into a new calling in my life, there are new things to fear. However, I have resolved this one thing... I will never again bury my head in the sand out of fear. I will no longer let life just happen to me because I am afraid of "what might happen." If I do not know the way that God is leading me, I will cling to Jesus for He is the Way. If I do not know what God wants for me to do with any particular area of my life, I will seek Jesus for He is the Bread of Life, the Living Water. If I am afraid, I will remember that God loves me (I need look no further than the cross for proof of that) and He will love me now matter what I do. I will let the knowledge of that love cast out my fear.

So, I am still afraid...but I am still loved. Someday I will live again in a place where no fear can reach me. I will live again in a safe place, where no little girls are hurt. I will live in a place that holds no rejection or disappointment. Until then I will boldly follow the One who loves me perfectly!