A look in the mirror...

I have been taking a detailed inventory of my life...like a long look in the mirror. The picture is really pretty good in certain ways. My husband is awesome! My girls are such a blessing, and they are healthy and smart! I have a great job that pays the bills...I have everything I need in life and pretty darn near everything I want as well.

In other ways the picture doesn't look as good. I have found that I don't have any friends my age, and I am not sure why that is. I have plenty of younger friends...but that is different...they look at me more like a mother figure or a favorite aunt. I don't get invited to game nights or anything like that. And, there are things that a mother or favorite aunt just doesn't share with you...things about her life that would just be too much information...right?

I also have friends that are older than me...some of them considerably older, like my mom or my grandmother, and there are things that you just don't share with your mother or your grandmother. In fact, with the exception of my husband...I can think of only 2 other people that I would know if there was anything major, any kind of crisis in my life. So, what happens if that crisis is with my husband? Who do I go to?

So, here is the question...why? Do I not play well with other adults? Do I try too hard? Do I lack certain vital social skills? Am I repulsive or offensive in ways that I not aware of? I think that I am a fun, loyal, faithful friend who is a good listener. But, if that is true, wouldn't I have more friends? Is it some thing about me? Am I too closed off? Do I keep myself at too much of a distance?

I used to have friends...lots of them in high school. After high school, naturally those numbers dropped to the really close circles of friends. For those relationships I can pinpoint, nearly to the month, when they ended. For the most part it was during the most difficult times in my life. When I was going through a divorce, or had post-partum depression. During these times, the closest friends I had thought I would ever have just dumped me...stopped returning my calls. I know that I am difficult to be around when I am in pain. I become very impulsive and I talk too much...I become sort of a raving lunatic and I probably share way too much information. I have also spent lots of time with lots of hurting people, and I know that most people are not that much fun to be around during those times. That is why they really need true friends during those times, right? So, perhaps it is them, not me. Perhaps, I was not a very good friend to them. But then again, if they were not good enough friends to me to put up with my post-partum insanity or the depression that I suffered after my divorce, are those even friends that I want? Were they good friends to me?

Then I begin to wonder whether there are very many grown-up that have close friendships like that? If so, what are they doing right that I am missing? I am not good at remembering birthdays, but you could tell me absolutely anything and I would not be shocked and I would not judge you. I don't give a lot of gifts, but if you ever need groceries and you cannot afford them...my pantry is always open, and I even deliver. I am a very good listener and prefer that over talking about myself any day!

So, what am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me? What is this distance between me and other people that I just cannot seem to bridge? I know that this is just a "therapy blog." I know that no one is really reading this, and that if you are you are my friend. If so, can you offer any answers to these questions? HELP?!?!?!?!?