Please judge me!

So, I have now done the unthinkable...I have invited nearly everyone I know to come and judge me. Literally! I will play my songs and have the people there judge them on the same criteria the Nashville Judges will in July...then the winning song goes with me to Nashville. Yay! Live large or GO HOME!

Links...the key to successful marketing!

Hello all! I am adding this link to my blog because I am advised that links are the key to my brother's new website marketing plan. So, please visit his site. He is a remarkable sign-maker and can make any kind of sign, from a birthday banner to a backlit neon beauty! Thanks for playing!

This dark space of time...

I spent today at the hospital. I got a call this morning at 4:30 that my 94 year old grandfather was going to die today. I wanted to be there to see him off and to support my mommy and grandmommy. We are a pretty close family, and my grandfather is arguably one of the best people that has ever lived...a veteran of the Battle of the Pacific in World War II, a father of five, and the last surviving member of his family. We were all there (at least everyone who was in the state/country) to support each other. We cried together, and we sang to Grandpa. We sang to him the songs that he had sung to us throughout the years. We sang "Danny Boy" and I could not finish the chorus. I finally had to leave at around 3:30 this afternoon, starving and absolutely exhausted by the vigil. My grandfather is not only a wonderful man, he is as tough as nails and he has been holding on with impossible vital signs since about 2 a.m. Only Jesus knows when his body will finally give up, but it is almost assuredly going to be tonight.

This was my day. And I prayed a lot today. I prayed for my little grandmother, who will face the world tomorrow without her husband of the last 63 years. I prayed for my grandfather and the business that he is undoubtedly still doing with God as he lay on that bed struggling for every breath. I prayed that he would not have to stay a minute longer than he had to, but that he would not go even one moment too soon! I prayed for my aunts and my uncle who are losing their daddy today. I was talking like this to Jesus when it really occurred to me that I would be living on a planet without him. I cried out to God and He heard my cry and answered me!

It was not a voice that I heard..nothing like that. It was much more like having something that I had thought I understood finally make its way from my head to my heart. That this life, this dark space of time that we call "life" anyway, is the only space that will be without grandpa. Only those of us left here waiting in the half-darkness will be without him, and only for a short time. Grandpa will not be gone, he will finally be in the Light, where the Light of Life is fully revealed and is not obscured by the consequence that our sin has brought to this creation. Grandpa will be what he was always intended to be...whole and free, glorious beyond the glimpses of his greatness that we saw while he lived here with us! We will be here without him. We will not have him with us for father's day or Christmas. We will not see his sweet face or hear his voice again...at least not for now. But, when the darkness is cast away, or when we are called out of it into the light of God's presence, we will not miss him anymore and we will finally see all this rightly!

I am sad and exhausted, and I still don't really want to believe that when I wake tomorrow, my grandpa will probably not be here. But this hope I have, that God is good; that He is up to something wonderful; that He will not forget the work He began in me or my grandfather. He will see us safely to the finish line. So, tomorrow will be a time for mourning, and I will mourn. But there is a time for every purpose under heaven...as there is a time for mourning, so will be a time for rejoicing!

Bye, bye Grandpa...I love you, I miss you already, but I will see you after!

What I want to be when I grow up...

Yesterday was the 11th anniversary of my 27th birthday. I am not afraid to say that I am 38 years old, it is just that 27 was a very very good year for me! It was the year that I started on the road to being who I am. I started dating Jes that year and that led to becoming a mother and spending 6 years on Young Life staff...which has introduced me to the best friends I will ever have, etc. So I have decided to celebrate that year every birthday...at least for now. Perhaps 10 years from now I will be celebrating this year, the year I decided to live large...to seek that abundant life that Jesus promised me!

Part of my year of living large has been a journey to find out how to use my greatest talent; my voice. I also have a natural gift with words and an ease at being in front of large groups of people. In short, when I grow up I want to be a singer/songwriter =) Toward this end I have entered a contest in Nashville in July. If I win this contest ( a long shot at best) I will win a recording contract for a single of my song and will be on my way to becoming a full-fledged Christian recording artist. Also, if the judges like me, even if I don't win, I could be given the opportunity to perform live in Nashville, at a concert with people like Chris Tomlin, Switchfoot, Franchesca Batistelli (I think you get it =)

In preparation, I have been writing songs since last July or so and have 3 or 4 that I like. I have also been learning to play the guitar, which is a tremendous challenge for me. The most challenging part is not the actual playing but the fear of screwing up in front of people. So, in order to get over these fears I decided that I just needed to take my guitar out and play/sing some of my songs. I did that last night, in celebration of my 11th-27th birthday. I took my guitar and some of my songs (and my husband and children) and I signed up to sing them at the Reno Music Project Open Mic Night at Maytan Music. There were only about 40 people there, but I was terrified. Also, when I got there there were only 2 slots left...I either had to go first, or last. Not wanting to prolong my agony, I signed up to go first.

I must have looked like an idiot to the musicians there. I don't know how to play standing up, so I had to sit. I also don't have a guitar with any kind of amplification, so they had to set up a boom mic for that. I fumbled around with my guitar and played all kinds of terrible chords, but I did it! I sung my songs...in front of people...and they clapped. Now, I know that they did not clap for my guitar playing (my voice was in great form last night), but they also did not boo my off the stage.

After I left the stage a lovely younger lady approached me (she really is 27 =). She had that really "put-together" look of a performer who knew much more than I did. She was lovely in lots of ways, and she had some great advice for me as well. Mostly she just encouraged me, that I should use my voice, that I should do what I was made to do, and that I was right to get up there last night and sing! And you know what...she was right!

Happy 11th-27th birthday to me!

A look in the mirror...

I have been taking a detailed inventory of my life...like a long look in the mirror. The picture is really pretty good in certain ways. My husband is awesome! My girls are such a blessing, and they are healthy and smart! I have a great job that pays the bills...I have everything I need in life and pretty darn near everything I want as well.

In other ways the picture doesn't look as good. I have found that I don't have any friends my age, and I am not sure why that is. I have plenty of younger friends...but that is different...they look at me more like a mother figure or a favorite aunt. I don't get invited to game nights or anything like that. And, there are things that a mother or favorite aunt just doesn't share with you...things about her life that would just be too much information...right?

I also have friends that are older than me...some of them considerably older, like my mom or my grandmother, and there are things that you just don't share with your mother or your grandmother. In fact, with the exception of my husband...I can think of only 2 other people that I would know if there was anything major, any kind of crisis in my life. So, what happens if that crisis is with my husband? Who do I go to?

So, here is the question...why? Do I not play well with other adults? Do I try too hard? Do I lack certain vital social skills? Am I repulsive or offensive in ways that I not aware of? I think that I am a fun, loyal, faithful friend who is a good listener. But, if that is true, wouldn't I have more friends? Is it some thing about me? Am I too closed off? Do I keep myself at too much of a distance?

I used to have friends...lots of them in high school. After high school, naturally those numbers dropped to the really close circles of friends. For those relationships I can pinpoint, nearly to the month, when they ended. For the most part it was during the most difficult times in my life. When I was going through a divorce, or had post-partum depression. During these times, the closest friends I had thought I would ever have just dumped me...stopped returning my calls. I know that I am difficult to be around when I am in pain. I become very impulsive and I talk too much...I become sort of a raving lunatic and I probably share way too much information. I have also spent lots of time with lots of hurting people, and I know that most people are not that much fun to be around during those times. That is why they really need true friends during those times, right? So, perhaps it is them, not me. Perhaps, I was not a very good friend to them. But then again, if they were not good enough friends to me to put up with my post-partum insanity or the depression that I suffered after my divorce, are those even friends that I want? Were they good friends to me?

Then I begin to wonder whether there are very many grown-up that have close friendships like that? If so, what are they doing right that I am missing? I am not good at remembering birthdays, but you could tell me absolutely anything and I would not be shocked and I would not judge you. I don't give a lot of gifts, but if you ever need groceries and you cannot afford them...my pantry is always open, and I even deliver. I am a very good listener and prefer that over talking about myself any day!

So, what am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me? What is this distance between me and other people that I just cannot seem to bridge? I know that this is just a "therapy blog." I know that no one is really reading this, and that if you are you are my friend. If so, can you offer any answers to these questions? HELP?!?!?!?!?

A personal best

So, part of my year of living large has been to actually exercise...reguarly...strenously...and become a good steward of my body.

I set up a home gym upstairs...a treadmill, a yoga ball and my Fluidity bar. I started with a simple program. I would walk on the treadmill for one mile every-other day. In January, it took me nearly 20 minutes to walk a mile.

Then, I started pushing myself. I would jog on the treadmill for 30 seconds and walk for 2 minutes and so on.

Fast-forward to yesterday. Yesterday I was able to do 2 miles in 30 minutes on the treadmill by walking 2 minutes and 30 seconds, and then jogging for 2 minutes and 30 seconds. So, I decided that I would try the Reed High track.

To my surprise, I did 2 miles in 25 minutes...and it felt wonderful!

YAY for me!

What are you afraid of?

Fear, I think, is basic to the human condition. If you look at human suffering, injustice, tyranny...isn't it all, in some way, rooted in fear?

I remember life before I was afraid. I remember life before I was afraid of rejection or failure or that fear that deep inside there was just nothing inside of me worth loving. I remember what life was like then and it ROCKED! I remember believing that I was a good girl and worthy of love. I remember not being afraid to voice my needs and desires, confident that I would not be denied, that my needs would be met.

I also remember when I first started to become afraid. I remember starting to wonder if my daddy would always love me, or if I was good enough for that. I remember becoming afraid that I would end up all alone and that I would need to know how to take care of myself...I was five. I remember when I first began to realize that this world was not a very "safe" place and that bad things can happen, even to good little girls.

My mid-life crisis (for lack of a better term) began last May when I recorded a CD for Jes for our anniversary. There is a long story behind that which I will not bore you with here, but that experience startled me into the realization that I had allowed fear to change me, to imprison me in lots of ways in my life.

I had still been relatively "fearless" until I got married and started having children, and that is when all the fears of my mother started to creep into my life (fears about my adequacy as a mother, fears about my adequacy and role as a "wife", yada, yada). Those fears grew deep roots and began spread.

Ultimately, and most interestingly, I think the fear that was most paralyzing to me was the fear that I was a disappointment to God and those around me. Life marches on, things happen, and they usually don't end up the way you think they will...life is, well, disappointing... I began to ask deep inside "Am I disappointing too?"

Specifically for me was the issue of singing in my life. I had known that I was a talented vocalist since about my sophomore year in high school. Over the next 10 years I sang in all the school musicals, toured with Nevada Repertory Company at UNR during College, won several voice scholarships for various schools, sang in church all the time and for at least 100 weddings, etc. Then I got married and instantly became pregnant. Shortly thereafter, God very clearly called me away from singing and to ministry in Young Life. In fact, He thwarted my every effort to do any singing with the choir the worship team...anything. I took note of this, and seeking to please Him, I decided to give up singing, believing that was what God was calling me to do. I did not sing for 6 years (except for the nightly "blessing" or lullaby that I sung to the girls...and leading songs at YoungLife club, which one is hard-pressed to call singing).

By the time that I recorded the CD in May of 2008, nearly everyone I knew either did not know I could sing, or had forgotten. My voice was out WAY out of shape. Even when the idea to make a CD came to me, it was more of a "good-bye" to singing thing...more of a "I really should have some kind of recording of my voice, so that someday, Jes, the girls, someone will remember that I had this unusually extraordinary voice."

Okay...aside...I do have a very nice singing voice. It is not arrogant for me to say so, it is simply true,and it is very important that we learn to recognize what is true about us...and not just the bad things that are true about us...the things that others are quick to pointout and we are quick to condemn ourselves for, but also the good things that are true about us. It is true that my voice is extraordinary. God gave it to me. I had nothing to do with that and can take no credit for it...but I am responsible for what I do with it.

So, I was making an anniversary/goodbye to singing CD. I felt confident that this move was okay with God and did pray A LOT about it, asking God to provide financially for it, provide affordable airfare to Nashville, etc. He did.

I recorded the CD. It was a blast. It was way more fun for me than I had ever imagined it would be...it was way more fun for me to make it than it was for Jes to receive it (at least from my perspective). The problem was that it awoke in me the desire to sing that I had believed God had called me away from. Enter extreme spiritual conflict...enter fear!

I have struggled much in prayer since that time. God has opened my eyes to the many fears that had been eclipsing my awareness of His love for me...many ways that I was hiding from Him and from others who love me because of those fears. He has healed many of the wounds that caused some of those fears, and He has released me to sing again. There is much healing left to be done and there are many fears that I am still learning to face. As I step out into a new calling in my life, there are new things to fear. However, I have resolved this one thing... I will never again bury my head in the sand out of fear. I will no longer let life just happen to me because I am afraid of "what might happen." If I do not know the way that God is leading me, I will cling to Jesus for He is the Way. If I do not know what God wants for me to do with any particular area of my life, I will seek Jesus for He is the Bread of Life, the Living Water. If I am afraid, I will remember that God loves me (I need look no further than the cross for proof of that) and He will love me now matter what I do. I will let the knowledge of that love cast out my fear.

So, I am still afraid...but I am still loved. Someday I will live again in a place where no fear can reach me. I will live again in a safe place, where no little girls are hurt. I will live in a place that holds no rejection or disappointment. Until then I will boldly follow the One who loves me perfectly!